What’s up since I last wrote? Well, my condition has been flaring severely, and my mum thinks it’s all this anxiety/excitement about marriage, and also my therapist thinks it’s all the anxiety/excitement about sex too. They are probably both right. Cataplexy is worsened by intense emotions after all, but to be honest even if my doctor is sure I have narcolepsy (including cataplexy) I’m not so sure. I have so many weird symptoms, I just can’t wait to see the neurologist and probably start the years worth of tests. I just want to know what the fuck’s wrong with me so I can get it fixed.
These days my trust in medical science is sky high, and I don’t really believe or see any reason to believe in supernatural or spiritual healing. It has never helped me, and I’m putting it all down to hallucinations/delusions right now. Plus I don’t see any evidence of a Supreme Being (aka God), there is so much suffering and evil in the world, it doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense for there to be a greater purpose, or that love is the reason we are alive. Because we don’t even have a chance to begin with.
Reincarnation is as an idea stupid, universal energy makes no sense, visions and revelations are made up mental stimulus, miraculous healing is down to the placebo effect, salvation and enlightenment are unrealistic ideals, and where is God saying “hey I exist”… in all this? Right now I am not even believing in an afterlife. And to be honest it feels like such a relief. Lately with my condition worsening I’ve had to face my own mortality, the idea that I may sometime die soon. At first I was terrified. But the second time it happened I was at peace and just accepted the end.
I joined an atheist forum to get some perspectives on that. Honestly the more I study about evolution, neuroscience, the history of religion, and contemplate humanity in general, it seems there really is nothing beyond this life. It is all just ancient superstition and maybe as a species we should eventually evolve into a more logical mindset and harmonious world with no political or religious wars.
Anyway, I have no idea what I was just writing about because Graeme phoned and we chatted a bit and forgot what the point of this post was. I think he was upset with what I went through this afternoon, and I’ve been feeling a bit depressed too, and not to mention he had a twelve hour work day today too, so it’s been a bit mad in all. He thinks I’ve been pushing myself too much (he can talk lol), but honestly, that I need to relax more. I think I’m a perfectionist and it causes a lot of my psychological issues that is (minus the trauma and psychosis – but who knows, it’s probably all related).
So back to God – yeah, Graeme is pretty spiritual and doesn’t understand atheism, but I’m honestly exploring it right now, and it’s not like I’m trying to force myself to become atheist because I’m sick of the ‘spiritual world’ (in the way that a straight girl would force herself to become lesbian because she’s sick of only meeting men who are right dicks)… I just feel like the blinds have come off for a bit and I’m seeing clearly for the first time in my life. I also feel as far as development goes I’m probably quite behind most people. But evolutionary wise that could be considered an advantage (was watching about the advantage of long childhood development in homo sapiens compared to the shot childhood development in chimps)… who knows.
I would not mind joining an Unitarian church, just because it’s quite broad without being new age, and celebrates life without being religious. I feel lately like morality is quite important but I still feel I lack in understanding about good vs evil, and maybe that’s because my step-dad was so evil and I was brought up so co-dependent. But really I just want to be a good person, and want to love and make the world a better place, but I feel so insignificant compared to everyone else. I feel like the only way to live after death is to make a contribution to history, which makes the world a better place. But who is going to reward me? Not God, because I don’t think he even exists. So if I want to be good I have to do it for myself, and not for some reward judgement after death (which is really what the whole concept of the afterlife is built on… justice). So it feels like all the responsibility for morality is mine, and it’s quite scary. I’ve never felt it like this before. I’ve always believed in a higher power tallying people’s karma or sins or whatever. Without that… it’s kinda freedom, but scary too.
About God – I think about all the times I supposedly had visions of God, and I think it’s baloney. Each time it was a different conception of God, and who knows they all could’ve been different gods, and really they were all in my head anyway so I think it was just my brain making stuff up. And I don’t believe it’s some mega projection as if God is inside and I’m just projecting that outwards. That whole enlightenment thing is ridiculous as much as the whole Christian salvation thing. There is no future state of bliss, that’s what all religions promise. But it’s a distraction from what’s going on now, which is really all that exists and matters. And not in a New Agey Eckhart Tolle Being in the Now kinda way, but more like just an acknowledgement that this is all we ever have, and we might as well enjoy it in the best way possible (which by the way doesn’t mean in a hedonistic way, but in a way that maximises benefit and pleasure for everyone).
Well, my sister just kicked me off the computer so there goes my train if thought again. Not having a great day or night but was in the mood to write about stuff anyway. But back to Unitarianism, the thing I wanted to write was that on the Christian Forums I asked for my denomination to be changed from Non-Denominational to Liberal Christian, but they didn’t have the liberal Christian option on the system, so the only denomination that matched me was Unitarianism, which is not actually considered Christian by the site – so now they changed it to Unitarianism I’m not allowed to post in a lot of threads on the forum. It doesn’t bother me because to be honest I have fallen away, but I guess that’s what label I’d be under now. But I am still considering atheism. Weird that I was considering Zoroastrianism for a while (and to be honest I still like that more than Christianity – but let’s face it all religion is as irrational as the next, no offense to religious folks because religious folks can be some of the nicest folks out there [they can also be some of the meanest, but let’s not go there)], but now after I’ve done all this research all religion just sounds as Looney as each other. I subscribed to Amazon prime recently so that means I can borrow a book a month, which will be good for me and I’m going to get well read up on atheism and atheistic views and understandings and logic and science and all that jazz.
And hopefully it will inspire me to be a good person just because, and if I ever get better to do something good for the world, and if I don’t, then to just love those closest to me as hard as possible so my legacy runs on as one helps awesome great great great grandma or something lol. (But on that note really don’t think I want kids anymore – for one I can’t handle them with my illness, for two Graeme couldn’t handle them and I think it could come between our relationship which is fragile due to both our sensitive natures, and three kids just seem like a lot of mess and noise and stress, so basically all the things I’m trying to avoid. Plus I think getting my puppy has satisfied my maternal instincts. She is my furbaby).