Well, what can I say!!! I thought my recovery was going excellent. But after a long day on Monday, I got back home over-tired and ended up having some kind seizure episode, which lead my mum to calling 111 – and the nurse on the other end phoned 999 and called the paramedics over. They saw me and decided to take me into hospital, which isn’t the first time with my illness, but it’s the first time I stayed over night.
I had these seizures when I was at my worst and told my doctor but I thought the issue had resolved itself, but what I didn’t realize is that the convulsions have slowly been coming back since I was weaned off the anti-psychotics. The doctors don’t know yet what’s wrong with me but I have a neurological exam booked in a couple of weeks. I’ve been on the waiting list for all this time, since a year ago. Finally I will get to know what’s up.
I am going to ask my doctor when I see her tomorrow to put me back on a low dose of an anti-psychotic that doesn’t cause weight gain, because also since I’ve been off it, I haven’t been sleeping very well due to hallucinations, night terrors, restless legs, and I’ve also been hearing voices again during the convulsions (which mostly are just harmless twitching, but on Monday it was full on). So hopefully she will put me back on them.
When the paramedics came to my house, they asked the usual questions, one of which was “have you changed medication recently”… my mum answered and said no, but of course she didn’t know about the birth control. So I had to tell them all “actually yes, I was put on Nexplanon”… with which the paramedics were like “what’s that”. I tried hinting but in the end it came out, that it’s a contraceptive implant. I was so ashamed of my mum finding out, and said sorry to her. She said “well you are nearly 24”, and the paramedics said “as far as we’re concerned you did a very good thing”.
We talked about it a bit as we were at the hospital, but I was so out of it it felt like I was in a dream, and after eventually getting transferred to the ward at half four in the morning, after my episode last four hours (!!!!) I woke the next morning feeling pretty depressed at how things had turned out. Not just that my mum found out about the implant, but that she had to watch me go through everything during my episode, and my whole family were affected. Must be awful to see me suffer.
My boyfriend didn’t find out until the next morning (he doesn’t check his phone that often), and he rang during work lunch break to see how I was doing. Tonight he is coming over to see if I’m okay, and also it’s his birthday tomorrow so I am going to give him presents (which cost me like sixty pounds, lol). Anyway, they ran a series of tests on me at the hospital – blood work, chest x-rays, pregnancy tests. I was terrified, especially with the x-ray and pregnancy test. With all the demons that had been in my chest I was terrified that they caused tumors or something – which they easily can do, and I had a moment where I was convinced I only had a year to live, and I couldn’t bear the thought of death. I was very very afraid, not knowing where I would go after death. I prayed to Jesus asking him to promise me that he would take me to a nice place. He said “I didn’t show you that vision of heaven for you to end up elsewhere – it’s your home now”.
Anyway, it turned out nothing was wrong with my chest. And then there was the pregnancy test. Thankfully my mum wasn’t there during the test, because it means she’d know that I did actually have sex – I lost my virginity for about thirty seconds, and I felt so proud of myself afterwards, and me and Graeme went out and celebrated afterwards lol. It had always been a nerve-wracking thing for me, and pregnancy is actually my biggest fear. So it felt like the Universe was laughing at me, getting me to do a pregnancy test only days after having sex for the first time. I was mortified, and panicking.
Well, thankfully the results were negative (and I shouldn’t have been worried because IMPLANT = 99.9% effective). Honestly I’ve been through so much this week, it was crazy. I think I was overloaded mentally for those couple of days. Anyway, the docs didn’t find anything wrong with me, and said to wait for my neurological examinations in two weeks. So I’m thrilled it’s finally here and hopefully they will find what’s wrong with my brain and know how to treat it.
Mostly in this blog post I want to write about the implant. I didn’t bring it up all day when I got back from the hospital on Tuesday, I was still feeling too embarrassed. But today me and mum went for a coffee and I decided to clear the air and approach the topic bravely. It turns out I really needn’t have worried at all. My mum was proud that Graeme and I had been so responsible about everything, being tested for STD’s together and thinking about birth control. She said she had nothing against birth control (something I thought she would because most Christians are), and she said she felt honored I felt I could discuss it with her. She also asked me my own Christian views about my decision, and I explained to her my views, and she was good with it.
I told her though that she doesn’t need to worry about us doing anything soon, and that it was for just in case anything happened. That’s somewhat true, because Graeme is very sensitive and think he needs time to process that thirty seconds we shared. We decided not to try again for a while until we are feeling better and less traumatized about the whole thing. We both are quite anxious people in this regard and need to take things slowly.
Following that conversation with my mum, she asked me if I would talk to my younger sister about contraception because no one ever taught her (being that she was home schooled all her life), which made /me/ feel pretty honored, honestly. That she would be both okay with my decision, and trust me to talk to my sister about it for her greater good.
All in all everything has turned out all okay, and I feel great about everything now. My mum said though if possible she would prefer if Graeme was thinking about marrying me before having sex. And that I had some kind of commitment symbol like a promise ring (pre-engagement basically). The thought is a bit nerve-wracking but I knew the moment I met him I wanted to marry him. So maybe I should get him thinking a bit and tell him what my mum said, because he did tell me he honestly wanted her opinion and to respect it. Might be a bit of an awkward conversation so early in our relationship, it’s only been two and a half months, but I will try and make it light and not pressure him. He needs time to think over stuff and come to a decision. And to be honest if he decided he wanted to eventually marry me, it would make me feel better about having sex with him too.
So that’s my week, lol. I will keep updating about the neurological exams and the pre-engagement stuff and everything. Bit crazy but I guess this is life lol.