I kinda just realized I haven’t done an update in ages! I don’t know why, I’m not really using the internet much anymore. I am more focused on interacting with the real world, and perhaps my need for escapism isn’t so dominant anymore. I have to say my therapy has really been helping me immensely and I really wish I had started it years ago, it may have saved me from a lot of the pain I went through.
I tend to think that I’m pretty smart sometimes, especially when it comes to understanding underlying psychological motivations, but my therapist has really given me a much different way of looking at things, and it’s definitely a shift that’s been needed. The largest part of my issue is that I’m a perfectionist, or that there’s a part of me that is a perfectionist slave driver and always expects 100% from everything I do, which creates an internal pressure, making me incredibly exhausted and tired before actually doing anything.
My therapist gave me some wonderful advice about only having to do things 70%, and that is good enough, and suddenly it was like a huge weight off my shoulders, and I feel a freedom I never did before. I feel free to explore and interact with the world without being so wracked with anxiety thinking I’m a walking failure. I am exactly ok no matter what I do. It doesn’t mean avoiding things in the real world (doing 0%), but it means even just doing 50% on a day you don’t feel all there, rather than expecting 100% all the time.
Add that amazing psychological breakthrough to the medication I’m on and I’m really doing well. I am not as tired (though I still don’t have anywhere near enough energy as normal people, but I’m making huge amounts of progress), and I am more active in the world in general, starting to feel a sense of place and belonging and general centeredness, knowing more of who I am in relation to the other people around me – a development that was lacking in my childhood due to my abusive step-dad.
My boyfriend is really super supportive with all my traumas, and knows almost everything about me these days. I feel very comfortable with him, and it’s a very easy relationship. Yesterday we had our first upset moment and it was worked out relatively maturely. No arguments, which is great. All in all with him I feel like I am more into him than anyone in my life, but spiritually the sense of union is not always there, unlike it is with a full on twin flame connection, which could be due to the numbing effects of my medications, or perhaps we just have more of a soulmate relationship. Either way, union is not an issue to me, I prefer a relationship retaining a sense of individuality compared to a twin flame connection which really.. well, is disaster.
Besides, I told Graeme that I could purposely trigger a spiritual union, when he was noting the minute sense spiritual separateness between us, but that I would rather not because the negative entities taught me that and I’m weary of trying anything they taught me. Besides, it could entirely change the dynamic between us, and I’d rather the spiritual union aspect of it to happen naturally, rather than forced. Nature knows what it’s doing. Our connection is one that deepens every time we see each other and even though there are no mind blowing heart chakra openings, we do have a healing effect on each other (look just how much I’ve progressed since I met him!) and the sex is great, and he even said he feels meeting me blew his sex center open. So maybe that’s just the first stage, and the heart merging comes later. Who knows. It’s a process. But either way I don’t mind, because I’m totally in love with him, and everything with him just feels right. I am sure God brought him into my life (well, I used Law of Attraction lol..) he joked that I’m a sorceress with all my dormant psychic abilities. He asked me jokingly if I could stop time because he didn’t want to let me go to do some work, and I replied in all seriousness “I don’t know”… because I haven’t tried it, but I have all sorts of abilities, I know…
Anyway, he is not focused on the occult and supports me in wanting to avoid all that mess I got myself into. He personally thinks it’s a distraction from the greater spiritual truth. And I think that’s fine. He’s more interested in meditation for the sake of clearing his mind and to become one with Source. I love the simplicity of it and feel no pressure to be some kind of super enlightened master with him (which I am definitely not, though arrogantly have thought of myself that way in the past)… there is just so much room with him to be human and make mistakes and not be judged.
Anyway, that is just the spiritual side of our connection, which is not really the focus of our relationship. Though to be honest I think we have a good balance between all of our focuses. Though this week I went a bit crazy with the physical intimacy. I went to the clinic two days ago and was cleared for STD’S, and the doctor recommended that I get the contraceptive implant, so I went with it. It slowly releases Progesterone into your bloodstream, tricking your body into thinking it’s already pregnant (hence preventing implantation of any conception that does occur), and it stops ovulation 99% of the time, thins the lining of the uterus, and clogs up the cervix with mucus which is hostile and impenetrable to sperm, so really it works in multiple ways. I have been researching a lot about all this. To be honest I am not afraid of the hormones, since from taking my medication I’ve come to trust medical science a lot. Sure there are always side effects but if it works – then why not? Beside side effects usually wear off after a while anyway as your body adjusts.
But back to physical intimacy, even though the implant won’t be fully effective for another five days, I think either the idea of it or a side effect of the actual hormone itself has made me a bit wild, which is an interesting development, and I ended up making Graeme a bit nervous and unsettled, as he likes a balance in his sex life. But for me honestly if it makes me more aroused in whatever way then it’ll be a blessing because I do feel I’ve always had a lower than average libido. Also (maybe this is too much information, but at this point why not mention it?), these days my body has developed something new, that I have two different types of orgasms now, which allows me to have multiple, as well as female ejaculation. It’s very fun exploring that in a relationship, as I didn’t really understand it before I got together with him and the whole thing made me unsure and nervous. I don’t know why this has happened to me – maybe just an effect of physically maturing which I’ve read somewhere before, but either way it’s awesome.
Wow, this post is gonna be super long. So another way I’ve been getting my mind off being absolutely obsessed with spirituality is that I bought a puppy! She is a nine weeks old Labradoodle who I named Lola. She is young so she takes a lot of looking after, but honestly I love it. It gives me a sense of purpose and order to my day. And I can just about cope with her now. I ask the family to chip in though when I’m tired or need help. She’s such a bundle of joy, and she actually belongs explicitly to me, and her microchip is in her name. She’s not the family’s dog, she’s mine, and that nurturing side of me wanting to look after and love someone is finally being utilized. It feels wonderful, and I realized lately I am actually a very caring person who loves looking after those who are important to me. I also realized it when Graeme became more emotionally open with me and I saw a deep need and desire for him to be cared for by someone who loves him. To sort of surrender completely to me and belong to me – in a very submissive way which is interesting (I’d actually say he’s more dominant in our relationship in general but he really brings out the dominant side of me too because he’s quite submissive deep down)… He absolutely loves being spoiled which is great because I know now I am someone who loves spoiling those I adore. So I have really found a part of my calling, just looking after those I love. It can be something as small as buying Lola special doggy chocolate, or being a listening ear to my mum, or making Graeme a cup of tea in the morning when he wakes. I just want to please those I love and make them happy. And the best thing is that, I guess, because I have good judgement of character, it’s never been taken for granted. Also what I love about Graeme is how committed he is to something (and someone) once he’s made his mind up. I enjoy that because my last relationship failed due to commitment issues. I guess it’s just a soother for my wounded ego, but it’s absolutely what I want too. I told Graeme how I used to believe in polyamory but with him am absolutely dedicated to monogamy. Maybe that just means he’s the right one for me. Who knows, but I think the fact I just want to have sex so bad with him and not even make a big deal of it says a lot. In the past with other partners it just wasn’t right, so maybe that said something too.
Anyway I have gone on a lot about Graeme, but we have been going out now for two months and truly my feelings for him just keep deepening for him every time we see each other. What’s best is the pure emotional connection we share, which especially comes out when we are making out, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. A kiss is not just a kiss… I can’t even explain it, but we share something incredible, really. So healthy and wonderful, and I can easily imagine spending the rest of my life with him, which is what I want and he knows I want that.
Ok last thing, lately I’ve been exploring the roots of Christianity and Judaism, which started in a religion called Zoroastrianism, which was the first monotheistic religion ever. Lots of concepts from Judaism and Christianity actually originated from Zoroastrianism, such as heaven, and angels, and duality, and hell (but in Zoroastrianism it’s not eternal, more like refining and temporary). The goal of the religion is to become one with Ahura Mazda (The Wise Lord), as the soul progresses spiritually through choosing good thoughts, good words, and good deeds via free-will. There is no determinism. Every body no matter what religion they are in is considered already saved as long as they are good people, and so as such they are a universal religion, but an issue with them is that because of that they don’t openly convert and in fact don’t even allow conversion at all, but there are some progressive American split offs that say anyone can be Zoroastrian as long as they believe in God and follow the teachings off the prophet Zoroaster. Sounds good to me.
I don’t know whether I will convert but honestly I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I would keep my faith in Jesus (to be honest I am more Jesuist anyway than Christian), as Jesus in Zoroastrianism is considered one of the three sayoshants (saviors born of a virgin) of mankind anyway. But he is not deified, so I’m not sure how I feel about that. In my Out of Body Experience Jesus definitely wasn’t God, but I didn’t get a clear view as to his place in the heavenly hierarchy. All I know is that he is a separate/different being to God, but very close to him in essence. But at the root he appeared purely human, more of a man than a deity. Perhaps he is like the first man or something, I don’t know. In the bible it does say that Logos-Sophia was the firstborn of all creation (if you want to think that applies to Jesus anyway, but it could also refer to the Holy Spirit or one of the seven spirits of the throne of God), so Jesus possibly could be one of the first emanations of God, as a human anyway, who knows.
I am still mulling all this over, but it’s really got my attention and I am talking about it with others online so I can get more information about how faith in Jesus would fit in with being Zoroastrian. I could personally syncretise (most people do that anyway these days, bits of this and that religion)…
Anyway, sorry for ALL the writing, and rambling on about Graeme, but you can clearly tell I’m 100% in love with him (not even 70% ;)), and I have basically updated everything that’s been going on in the last two weeks or so since I updated, which honestly has been an awful lot. I hope to continue updating in future.