I haven’t updated in a long time! I wasn’t feeling particularly inspired to write and still am not really, but yesterday I deactivated most of my social media accounts on a whim. I wasn’t feeling that great emotionally when I did but even after when I perked up I decided it’s probably good for me to get a break from the internet for a while. But this means I have a lot of spare time on my hands and I thought why not update my blog a bit more?
So what’s been happening lately in my life? Actually there has been almost no spiritual focus for me as I’ve started this new relationship (which is now exclusive/committed and we have even exchanged multiple I love you’s!), and I find that a breath of relief really. My whole adult life I have been SO focused on my spiritual path to the exclusion of everything else that I think it was driving me crazy (literally lol – remember the psychotic break?)
Anyway, my boyfriend is a spiritual guy but weirdly the spiritual side isn’t the sole focus of our relationship. And it’s just nice for me to have my time taken up with just being loving towards him, spending time with him and doing activities together, and cuddling and such. It feels much more healthy, and his influence is making me feel much more grounded in general in life and making me want to be more part of the world at large and not always so isolated (although that can’t be helped sometimes with the PTSD, but I am recovering loads!)
On a note of the PTSD, I am really making strides in my progress recently. I don’t psychologically regress nearly as much, and not as young, and I am more energetic in general, and feeling more integrated and whole and more like myself. I am also completely weaned off the anti-psychotics and now am just on anti-depressants for the anxiety (that sadly still plagues me, but is kept in check by the medication).
I am thinking at this stage anxiety will probably always be in the background but I am learning how to manage it, especially with the help of my therapist. I have to say I kinda hate therapy, but I can’t deny it’s actually been helping me loads, and I wish I had it ages ago, when my step-dad first left the family. I think so much shit could’ve been prevented if I had had therapy all the way back then. But oh well, it is what it is. At least now I have a lot of support from my community and family.
Back to the relationship side of things again though – I think I have pretty much gotten over my ex (who I used to call a twin flame but these days don’t believe in twin flames anymore, just strong spiritual connections)… I think the energetic merging with my boyfriend has really helped with that. Our energies are pretty entwined now, and his energy has triggered hurts and wounds in me, but honestly I feel it’s all for the best because I am recovering at a phenomenal rate since I have been going out with him.
I don’t know what else to write – well, I do, but I really hope my mum isn’t reading this part!!! I have decided that I am going to get some long lasting contraception like the implant or coil and have sex for the first time in my life. I was always afraid of it before, horribly afraid, but for the first time in my life it doesn’t seem wrong, or terrifying. The funny thing is my boyfriend is trying to take this slower than I am!!! Haha. I think he’s sensitive to my needs, perhaps a bit more than me. I have the desire to have sex with him like nothing else in my life before, but he is taking his time because he knows my history of trauma and such. So I feel really comforted by that, and will obviously be very careful about the whole thing.
Today he rang a sexual health clinic and we are going to get tested for STD’s next week I think (unless they didn’t have an appointment till later on – he has yet to update me) – we haven’t done anything too sexual yet because of this and it’s given me time to get used to the idea of doing the heavier stuff. So we’re going at a nice slow pace. I know it’s not really the best Christian thing to do, to have sex before marriage, but I don’t know – morally it feels alright to me actually. Besides, I take a liberal approach to my Christianity anyway.
And when I asked Jesus about it when I was feeling conflicted one night, he said basically that the choice is up to me and it doesn’t bother him either way – he’s interested in my heart, how much love and faith I have in Him, and nothing much else. That is my experience of Jesus anyway. And if he had said no I would’ve heard it, and it’s not a case of just unconsciously hearing what I want to hear. Because once Jesus told me stop watching a pretty scary tv series I was addicted to, and I didn’t want to stop. But I eventually acknowledged he was right and stopped. So I know I can trust him to be there for me and give me the right advice for my situation. And he said it’s ok to have sex if I want – only if I’m comfortable with it. So that’s my mind made up basically.
I also think that without all the therapy I’ve had recently I would not be able to be so casual about this, and I also have all the people on the internet on different forums who have talked over options and advice and experiences with me, and have made me feel at ease about the whole idea and that it’s perfectly normal to want sex. I think I come from a background where it’s considered shameful before marriage, but I just have a different view and that’s fine, it doesn’t make me a bad person. I am willing to accept any and all consequences that having sex may have (but I pray the universe doesn’t test me on that lol!!!) I have thought all potential outcomes out, and really just need to talk it over with my boyfriend a bit more in depth so we are on the same page.
So that is really what is going on in my life right now. I honestly never thought I’d meet someone I liked enough to have sex with them like this, because to be honest, I am pretty much asexual unless I feel a spiritual connection with someone. And I am thinking I want to take advantage of these feelings I have for my boyfriend whilst the opportunity is open (on the other hand I know I am somewhat fearful about the opportunity passing – for example if we broke up before I ever had the chance. But I am keeping those fears in check because we both agreed we plan to be together for a long long time, and maybe more…)
But all these developments in our relationship has definitely helped me to heal loads in my inner life and I am so glad to have met him, and it’s not a feeling of like “he’s the one” or “he’s my soulmate” or “we’ll be together forever” sort of explosion. But it’s more easy going and, I don’t know, just much more mature in general? I feel I’ve grown a lot and am ready for this depth of connection now, and know I won’t repeat the same mistakes I have previously in other relationships.