Hashing my Thoughts Out on Paper

My Public Journal

I noticed I have this need to try and process all the disjointed pieces of information in my head to some greater whole and meaning, but I thought to myself, rather than try to make any sense out of everything, wouldn’t it be easier to take the facts at face value and go from there?

I’d been working with the assumption that everything that happened to me was either good or had some greater purpose. For one I particularly keep trying to find a place for Jesus in my life, after his vision, but perhaps that’s asking too much. It’s not about what the past means for the future, but rather what the present means for the past.

Just what is happening in the present? There are entities around me tormenting me. That’s for sure. I may also be spiritually fragmented, because of the Dissociative Identity Disorder I have. What are the facts here? Jesus said I would be safe from entities. Am I? No.

I don’t need to find a place for him in my life, because trying to do so just makes things complicated. I don’t really know if my soul fragmented, if there were pieces always in hell, but let’s take the facts at face value. Getting involved in the spiritual messed me up. It doesn’t matter who the entity was, Jezebel, Jesus, whatever, they all messed me up. Why do I state that as a fact? Because I got suddenly worse after their visits.

I don’t believe in God anymore, I just don’t see any evidence for it. There may be a divine mind but I don’t feel I trust that either. I feel like even that is deceiving me, and that really, let’s face the facts: Every spiritual entity I have put my trust in has deceived me. So the facts for me are that there are no genuine decent beings in the spiritual realms. And if there are any they are so far removed from our reality that they are practically non-existent in my mind anyway.

I have to admit, Esoteric Christianity greatly appeals to my mystical side. But between the Allegorical Mythology in Hermeticism and Gnosticism, and not being able to trust any spiritual beings to invoke or invite energy into me for the purposes of alchemy, it’s a losing war on that front.

I am trying to be logical. Logically, I can’t deny that there are other worlds out there. I’ve experienced them, interacted with them. But, experience has taught me that they are all subject. Take psychic readings for example, ten different people could give someone a psychic reading and each one would be completely different. Which one is right? Maybe, there are parallel realities where the different readings become true in ten different universes. Of course, I can’t rule out that possibility.

When you really think into depth about these things, it is all just too complex, more complex than my mind can really grasp, especially in its fragmented state.

I’ve always been a seeker so I guess I won’t stop until I have all the answers and until they form a coherent whole in my mind. I also have to remember that emotionally I’ve been hurt by the spiritual so that’s probably going to form a large part of my spiritual inclinations. Which is interesting considering emotions can influence so much of your spiritual experience. Again just lending to the idea that we’re in some kind of hologram, which takes our emotions and thoughts into consideration.

Back to the divine mind. I think the issue is, and the issue why I keep writing and writing and writing about all this, is that I’m trying to externalise everything that’s going on in my head, but then I come to conclusions that internally I am not really ‘feeling’.

Internally I’m feeling like I don’t want to trust the spiritual, like I want nothing to do with it, that it’s a huge deception, ect. But logically when I write it out I realise that there has to be good in the spiritual planes, considering ‘As below so above’. But then again, I have to question that foundational assumption. What makes me think things are ‘As above so below’?

Now that’s a good question. Maybe I need to start there and figure that out first, because if things are ‘As above so below’, then things are truly interconnected. And that’s the thing isn’t it? I’m still trying to figure out whether things are interconnected. Because if they are then everything that happened to really was for my higher good in the end, and I shouldn’t be afraid with working with Jesus.

It feels like honestly I’m divided between two world views. The world view of Esoteric Christianity, where Jesus helped me retrieve my lost soul fragments, and the view of Gnostic Buddhism, where all that truly exists is a state of ‘no-self’ and beyond that all is deception.

Which one is it? And, is there a unified vision here?

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