I’m still trying to figure out whether I really had soul fragments missing since childhood or whether I fragmented as a result of the trauma of being involved in the demonic world.
I think reality is much more complex than we realise. I try to simplify things at all times, but that’s hard to do at times, especially with all the conflicting information I have tumbling around my brain.
Last night I wasn’t feeling so good physically and it had a knock on effect to my emotional state too. I was very angry at Jesus, for not helping me through the torment after I converted. I keep having flashbacks lately of all the torture I endured and it’s awful. Maybe now I’m in a good enough place to process that pain.
I think either way, I wasn’t very spiritually strong at all, to ignore all the attacks, and I’m still regaining that strength, with my medication helping. But I don’t see how Jesus helped me at all.
I remember how for a couple of months I wasn’t able to speak at all, the demons had closed my vocal cords, they also would wrap themselves around my head and constrict my mental processes, and I was more or less a living catamite who couldn’t look after myself. I had to be cared for by my family.
It was incredibly horrible, and I have no idea how I eventually snapped out of that. Not only that but I was living in one giant panic attack, the thoughts that the demons would plague me with would absolute terrify me, and I had no strength to resist it all. On top of that they would frequently ‘electrocute’ me.
Now, Jesus told me in the vision I had of him in heaven in February, that he would protect me. Well, as far as I’m concerned, he really didn’t. And that doesn’t land him in my good books. I feel betrayed and abandoned.
Even now, I know I still have ghosts, entities, negative aliens, and devils in my aura, negatively influencing me. I see them around me at times, though I try my hardest to block out these visions, I don’t always succeed.
And through all this I don’t see or feel Jesus or his presence anywhere around me. Not only that, but I psychologically regressed after converting, which means I fragmented at that point. Though it is also possible as I’ve written before that I always had these fragments waiting for reintegration.
Now, I used to believe in an incredibly interconnected reality, where having entities in your aura meant that your own soul fragments in their place were lost, and probably haunting other people. It was like an energetic swap that happened, and that’s why last year I got involved in trying to retrieve my soul fragments in the first place.
So supposing that’s still true, and I still have entities in my aura right now, that means that I still have soul fragments missing, that need integrating.
Now, I have to emotionally reject that as truth, because look where searching for my lost soul fragments ended me up last time? In a HUGE mess. It’s easier to think that I just accidentally connected to the demonic realm and as a result the trauma fragmented me then and there, and that by accepting Jesus I was fragmented even further. After all, the more beings I allowed into my energy, including Jesus, the worse I would naturally get.
So I’m back to wondering whether it really was for my own good and that I was just retrieving soul fragments, basically is everything interconnected? Or did I get involved in a demiurgic system and lose myself in the process?
I still can’t say, but either way it seems like I’m on my own. I can’t rely on Jesus, because at face value, he wasn’t there for me when I really needed him. And in the other two cases he either can’t help me if I still have more shamanistic shadow work to do, or he made me worse in the first place.
Of course, perhaps he could’ve just been helping me to integrate, if he really did help me retrieve my soul pieces. But he still couldn’t protect me against the wads of karma that are probably attracting all this to me in the first place.
I have a thought that perhaps rather than try to figure it all out, maybe I should ask myself what I really want out of spirituality? Do I want to find lost soul pieces? Hell no. It’s just so messy. What I really want to do is get stronger so nothing can fuck with me again. Of course, then I really have two ways to do that: Either accept Jesus as part of my larger multidimensional being to help me, or reject everything spiritual including Jesus so that there are no foreign influences in my energy messing me up.
And yet, I can’t help but think this is an all or nothing mentality. My therapist said I tend to be like that. It’s always either or, and yet I struggle to transcend sides here and come up with a unified worldview. In one everything is connected, so I’d be back at a pantheistic vision of things, whilst in the other things are not connected nor interrelated at all and it’s all up to me to figure things out.
Of course, if nothing is interconnected then things like divination (giving psychic readings, astrology,) and general psychic abilities are warped and inaccurate. And I struggle to believe in those things anyway, because it’s all subjective.
Of course if everything really is interconnected then life really IS a lot more complicated than we really grasp. It takes subjectivity to a whole other level…
Maybe I should do another logical breakdown of “what do I believe” post, that helped a lot last time. It’s nice to get my thoughts into some coherent external order, since internally everything’s just a mess.