Does God Exist? I Don’t Think So…

My Public Journal

Since I wrote my last blog post, I’ve been fluctuating a lot as to my beliefs and spiritual allegiance. Though really, that’s all I’ve been doing the past couple of months. I just can’t figure out what it is I actually believe, but things are starting to eventually coming together.

Gnosticism, Neoplatonism, and Hermeticism really interest me. I really enjoy the theory of Emanationism and Hypostasis, and feel it makes a lot of sense on a metaphysical level. All things start from basically, nothing, aka ‘The One’, and from nothing comes the Divine Mind which could be considered God, aka ‘Nous’. Then Nous has a son, called ‘Logos’, which is like the object of thought from the Divine Mind, and hence Creator of everything who is equated with Jesus, Thoth, and Hermes. From Logos emanates the Dualistic World-Soul or Corrupted Demiurge and consequently human beings.

It’s very logical to my mind, and that’s what I’m looking for, a consistent belief. But there’s a caveat. In Gnosticism and Hermeticism, there are seven heavens and seven rulers of the universe, which are basically the ancient observation and interpretation of the seven planets. Neplatonism I’ll admit does avoid all this, and is purely philosophical, though I enjoy the idea that Gnosticism splits each emanation into female-male pairs, also known as syzygies. But Gnosticism can also be seen as overly complex.

Of course, when you take into consideration Emanationism, you naturally start with the assumption that humanity at one point was very evolved, and then ‘fell’ so to speak, and devolved. Part of redemption then is returning to fullness or the ‘Pleroma’, which can be achieved through practices such as alchemy and theurgy. But then I think about science, and how science has more or less proven that humans are evolving, instead of devolving. So which is it? Personally I have no idea.

Concepts like the idea of seven heavens and seven archonic rulers really appeals to my mystical side, but unfortunately my rational side sees the folly in it. So I have that conflict inside me. It’s possible of course as is taught in Hermeticism that everything is connected and that the external is a reflection of the internal, and hence the planets, stars, and zodiac are actually reflections of the inner realms and planes… very possible indeed. Which if in that case it would make sense why astrology is a core practice in Hermeticism. But unlike how I used to have a sole focus on that philosophy of ‘as above so below’, I have not entertained that possibility for a long time.

See, to believe that everything is interconnected like that means I’d have to believe in Pantheism, or any variant thereof, which means believing in some ‘Ultimate Reality’ or God, which, I don’t really think I do anymore. The reason for this is simple – I just haven’t had any reason to believe in an Ultimate Being. Of course, I’m not so stupid to think that there are no such things as gods and angels and aliens and demons… I’ve encountered them first hand. But the problem is, I’ve encountered so many of them, that after a while you start to think that there really is no underlying Ultimate Reality where all things are aspects of some greater being. And that extends to an Ultimate Being called ‘God’ or ‘Creator’, either.

To me, lately, it’s perfectly reasonable that something could appear from nothing, that there doesn’t need to be a first cause, though I’m not sure how to explain on paper just how it makes sense to me…. it just does. But perhaps Emanationism, at least impersonal Emanationism could give some kind of framework for me, after all, everything comes from nothing and emanates from nothing.

But today I’d been thinking, I don’t really like the traditional hierarchical view of spiritual reality. What if existence is more like a multitude of universes? Like a multiverse? There’s no order, just infinite worlds and realities, that we are free to explore, all as real as our own, not necessarily ‘spiritual’… not necessarily good or bad as if there’s a heaven or hell, but rather just a different existence which we transfer to when we ‘die’. In fact, I had a dream similar to this last night.

Truth is, I don’t trust anymore that there’s a God, and I don’t trust any beings that claim to be God, or a part of God, though grudgingly, I’ve experienced moments lately whilst flexing my psychic abilities that I’ve felt connected to a ‘Universal Mind’, and so, I’m back at the idea of interconnectedness and pantheism. Perhaps Emanationism is perfect for me. But there’s the still the conflict in my mind between evolution vs devolution. Which one is the correct version of historical events? Or do we have to transcend sides to see the truth? Usually, I’ve found, that does seem to be the case.

In all honesty, the more I read about religious and spiritual mythology, the more it seems like all creation stories are allegorical or symbolic archetypes. They are ways for cultures to explain the processes in nature, for example the archetype of the dying and rising god, very common all over the world, it was just a way to explain why the sun set at night and rose again in the morning. And psychologically it could be said to represent the death to ego and the awakening to our greater Self (although at this point I doubt that such a thing exists, even if I have to admit that interconnectedness is a very real thing).

I’ve thought lately about topping myself up on Jesus’ energy to become stronger spiritually, but the truth is, although I trust Jesus more than any other spiritual being right now, I don’t trust him enough to really do much about it. I don’t know. I guess in a way it’s better to be protected by a powerful spiritual being than none at all, but at the same time I remember how after I was converted for months I was tormented by demons. He promised me he would protect me, and he didn’t. I feel abandoned by him, and I want answers. I have been praying for answers but none have come.

And even still, as I’ve been flexing my psychic abilities again I’ve been seeing negative entities and energies around me, influencing me, or trying to. I suspect an energy leakage is what’s causing a lot of my troubles. And where is Jesus for this? If he’d been true to his word I wouldn’t have any entities in my aura at all. But, alas, I do.

In one of my recent conversations with Jesus, he told me that having his power isn’t just enough, I have to utilise it too (though, I can’t really be sure it really was Jesus). So maybe that’s what the issue is. But I’m still undecided. Sometimes I feel amicable towards him, and other times I feel distrusting of him, understandably.

I’ve been thinking about doing some Christian-based magick, in order to clear my space a bit more, to connect to Jesus a bit more, and such, but I’m undecided. I don’t want anything going wrong, and at this stage I feel more than anything I just need to meditate, meditate as much as possible, and find my center again, not go messing around with the spiritual planes which messed me up so much before. And yet, my curiosity is piqued, since I have the abilities, I might as well use them….

Honestly, I have no idea where I stand right now, what my views and beliefs are, but writing them down helps a little bit. One thing that concerns me is that if we can’t really connect to any decent spiritual beings at all and things keep getting blocked out by dark entities, then what is the point? It paints a bleak view of reality, that we are forever cut off from our Source, and nothing can truly liberate us. And that, is why I believe even less so in an Ultimate Being. Because it puts the ‘good’ far out of reach, instead of realising that good is already here and its manifestation is based on us and our choices.

I feel like I’ve written a lot, but it’s good to get all this down. I think at the moment I’m conscious of the importance of not making any spiritual decisions or choices until things all make sense and I have a clear view on myself, what I really believe, and who I feel I am. I guess in a sense I am atheistic now, but I still believe there are other realities out there, because I’ve experienced them.

And still I am trying to make sense of the things that happened to me with the soul retrieval… Did Jesus really help me out, sort of like as a one time thing, or did I fragment as a result of the trauma of being involved in the dark arts? The principle of interconnectedness I think would tell me the former, whilst logic wants to stick to the latter.

I am not really sure and will have to muse on it some more. I guess either way, I need to learn to cast a Patronus Charm, lol.

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