Something I have been musing over today is the idea that, if I have dissociative identity disorder and basically have different self-aware ‘aspects’ of me, then isn’t it possible I have a ‘higher self’ too, which is one with All That Is? It’s not a far out conclusion. If parts of me can be split off, then my higher self could equally be split off and unintegrated in daily life.
The question for me this then poses is that, was really everything I went through in the end for my good? The whole twin flame thing, the channeling, the psychic healing…. Did I really end up at my goal, which was, discovering new parts of myself that had previously remained unconscious?
Part of my memories when ‘Little Me’ popped up was that Little Me had been trapped in hell all its life, having split off from the trauma of rape at two years old, whereby the demon Jezebel entered and possessed me until this part of me was recovered. Now, previously I hypothesised that perhaps these memories were false, just imaginations to give a sense of continuity to the amnesia I was experiencing.
But what if this entire time I had been trying to expel Jezebel from my system, and went through everything I did spiritually to get to that point of awareness? And Jesus actually helped me?
So, this would’ve been a major case of making my shadow conscious. In that case, both the psychic world and Jesus would’ve been helpful to me, in the end. And that it’d be ok to resume those activities again for gaining a greater self-awareness. Integrating my multi-dimensional being, as it were, of which Jesus would be a part, as Little Me is Christian.
That would somewhat make me Christo-Pagan, then.
On the other hand, if I believe that everything that happened to me this past year held no purpose at all and actually caused my trauma and personality-fragmentation, rather than uncovering what was always there, then the psychic realm would definitely be something to avoid at all costs, and see more as part of the evil demi-urge and the false light matrix.
In that case, Buddhism would appeal to me more. Because Jesus would not have helped, neither would any of the spiritual beings I consulted with, and neither would any of the spiritual healing and channeling. Buddhism focuses on alleviating suffering and not paying attention to the psychic phenomena and the gods, which are considered distractions.
Its focus on the present moment, from a cognitive behavioural angle, that is, learning to respond to the environment in a different fashion, rerouting faulty neural networks, is much more appealing. It’s simple, and it’s easy. On the other hand, all this soul retrieval stuff is NOT easy, and it’s messy, and it paints the universe in a bad light (that we have negative karma from millions or even perhaps an infinite amount of past and future lives to integrate). BUT, if that’s the reality, then I owe it to myself to continue with my shadow-work and keep integrating integrating integrating my multi-dimensional being.
So, which is it? I can’t say at this time. I want the simplicity of forgetting about all this psychic realm stuff. But, I can’t deny this possibility my brain is suggesting to me.
Perhaps they are both right and I have yet to unify them in my mind.
Also, I wonder, because Little Me is Christian, I wonder if that left the door open to Christian demons. And therefore the Christian God (Jesus) would’ve been the one to save me. Whilst, for example, if Little Me was Hindu, perhaps it would ‘ve left the door open to Hindu demons, instead. On an even bigger scale (which is almost unthinkable to me right now due to the fear it evokes)…. Maybe Jezebel is even part of my multidimensional being. But that, if very far out. And I am going to reject it.
What I do know is that taking the simpler option for now is helping me recover a lot easier, and faster. Whilst getting involved in the psychic-realm…. I just can’t do it. I’m too traumatised.
But maybe… maybe that will change.