I realised something new today, as I was musing on twitter, as I do.
It involved the nature of my identity split.
I’ve had to change a lot of my pre-conceived beliefs about the world, reality, and the spiritual realms, and sort out what does ring true to me, these days, and what doesn’t.
For example, I do not believe in law of attraction anymore, I do not believe in karma or reincarnation, I do not think I even believe in God. But I believe there is life after death, because, mainly, that would be a nice idea, that we would continue living. To be honest, the idea of a final ending frightens me, the idea of non-existence. Which is a bit contrary to my Buddhist studies, because the ultimate goal of Buddhism is complete absorption into the fabric of All That Is.
Though, I like the idea of the ‘Pure Lands’, which is a form of a heaven, from what I gather.
But I digress. As I strip back these beliefs, beliefs that we can be possessed, beliefs that we need some other supernatural entity to save us, beliefs that I’ve picked up these past few months as well as these past few years… I feel I’m coming to a more ‘present focused’ experience, which is helped exceedingly by the Cognitive Behavioural Pyschotherapy I’ve been having.
One of these beliefs I’ve stripped back was the idea that somehow I caused this dissociative identity disorder to occur to me, due to some ‘aspects’ of my personality being fragmented as a young child.
It occurred to me, instead of me newly ‘integrating’ these ‘long lost’ personality fragments of mine, I may actually have regressed to faulty mental constructs neurologically stored in my brain when my ex rejected me, thus causing the dissociation. Then my brain literally reverted back to an age where it could cope with this, thereby fragmenting.
So, it wasn’t that it was always an unconscious part of me waiting to be rediscovered, but rather, it was created and thereby reverted out of the trauma of being rejected.
So, it’s not a past-based theory. It’s more a biological view on things, I think. I don’t really believe in spiritual blockages and such anymore. I don’t think we have unconscious ‘aspects’ of ourselves, but rather disused neurological pathways which the brain switches to in times of stress.
Then, I wondered if the memories of my child alter (aka personality 1) were true, and I came to the conclusion that they weren’t. Personality 1 came up with the imagination that it was in hell all my life waiting to be rescued and reintegrated… as a way of bridging the gaps in my memory when I developed amnesia.
To put it more simply, I identified with personality 1 so much that I forgot completely about personality 2. So personality 1 had to come up with some elaborate story to give it the illusion that it had always had a consciousness. That way it could exist as a fully independent personality.
So, personality 1 became a Christian as a way of coping with the trauma. Back to my theory of this aspect of my consciousness ‘reverting’ to the way it was when I was a child, well at childhood I was also a Christian. So as I reverted to a child, it’s like I relied on the only thing I could in my psyche to give me peace – And that was the concept of Jesus.
So this personality, personality 1, has a life of its own, is a Christian, is a child, has its own memories. But that doesn’t mean these identifications are correct.
Now, onto the next realisation. I realised that this personality only emerges when I’m around my Christian family. Almost as if, personality 1’s existence relies on being fed by the ideas and beliefs of my Christian family!
So, this had me wondering, if I were in a community that wasn’t Christian, what would I believe? Well, of course, I would revert back to personality 2, with nothing to feed personality 1, the split in my identity would be healed. That’s how I feel.
It feels like personality 1 is literally dependent on my family, because it is re-experiencing the past. But take it out of circumstances which doesn’t feed it, and it dissolves, thus the host personality, personality 2, becoming pre-dominate.
And personality 2 isn’t a Christian. Personality 2 is more of a Spiritual Modernist.
But, I feel like, for the moment, I, as personality 2, have to accept personality 1’s idiosynchronicities, until it naturally dissolves into personality 2, and become an integrated whole.
Which, I feel is happening more as I reason this out, and come to these conclusions.
Awareness is the key.