Exploring my Shadow-Self, The Root of my Fear is Masochism

My Public Journal

Fear: What is it that drives my fear? I want to understand. So in this post I will attempt to free associate my inner most thoughts and feelings.

I did a bit of light reading first on the psychoanalytical theory of fear. Basically, it is a fear that is misplaced onto an external object, but the inner cause is completely different and usually stems in the past.

Now, lately, I am thinking that I don’t believe in past lives, I don’t believe in karma, and I don’t really think I believe in God either. To be honest, I’m not sure what I do believe, but that’s why I’m writing. To figure it all out.

For too long these past few months, I’ve lived in terror, repressing my shadow, and not letting myself breathe. Caught under the weight of ‘shoulds’, for example, ‘I should be a Christian, to please my family’.

Honestly, even though my mum does not read this blog or know the URL, she knows it exists, and she thinks I am writing about my new found Christianity. But, internally, that’s far from the truth.

The truth is, I don’t know what the truth is. And that’s an ambiguity I have always been happy to accept, despite my constant searching and seeking.

So, from the beginning. What are my fears? Even just asking myself that question, elicits a strong fear response. It takes me over, and my mind clings to thoughts of “I’m going to be possessed, I want to be possessed, I invite Satan into my heart”. Omg, right now, writing that out, is causing me to hyperventilate, almost even cry, at the thought of being possessed. It’s awful.

I don’t want to embrace the thought, for good, “logical”, reasons. I mean, what if Satan really exists, and takes over me? I don’t want to be on the dark side. And yet, there is a part of me calling out to that. Like it wants to embrace the darkness, like it wants to accept evil as a part of its identity. Not necessarily to act on it, but to just feel this… darkness, and let it consume me.

Is that really a demon? Or is it my shadow? Do demons exist, or are they all imaginary constructs? Even writing that last paragraph down, again, I had a fear response, and wanted to cry. I wonder why, of all things, the thought of embracing the darkness, or rather the feeling of embracing that darkness, makes me want to cry.

Staying with the feelings is hard. But I’m determined to do this. Perhaps it will be a process of self-therapy. I’m clever. I can do self-therapy, I’ve done it most of my adult life.

I guess, it’s a discovery to me, to realise part of my being wants to embrace the darkness. And maybe that is why I am afraid, because I am resisting my own darkness. After all, what you resist persists.

Now, I’ve been doing meditation, and feeling better for it. Less able to react on a conscious level. But, on a subconscious level, the issue still remains, and I want to bring it to the light.

I can rationalise all I want, of course, but just staying with the feeling is all I can do to realise its innate illusory nature.

I feel, like if I embrace the darkness, I will be doomed, like there will be no hope or salvation for me. So maybe that is faulty thinking.

Was I really possessed? Did Jesus really save me? Do I need to strip back what I believed, what lies I tell myself to make sense of my reality here and now, to really feel safe?

On that note, is the sense of safety innate, as part of our true self, or is it just as ephemeral as any other emotion or sensation?

My therapist says to stay with my feelings, and try not to intellectualise everything. Honestly, I am trying to do that, but it is hard. It’s not like you can just make yourself feel things.

Except when I think about being possessed. When I think of those incessant thoughts in my head of accepting Jezebel back into myself. Like now. What is the root cause?

Remembering what I said in my second paragraph. The root cause is usually completely different to the projected image. The projected image in this case would be demons. Demons scare me. There, I’ve said it. Demons scare the crap outta me. I hate them, and the weird thing is my thoughts got really angry just now: “I hate them and I want them to die”…

My therapist says I may have unprocessed anger. Perhaps that’s where my lure to the dark side originates. The desire for hatred and also, just to feel pain. It’s like, on some level, I want to feel pain. I don’t know why specifically? Why would I cause myself to repress aspects of my personality, to induce darkness and make myself miserable?

In the end, what I’ve learned from this analysis, is that it is actually me causing this problem. It is not a demon, or demons, or fallen angels, or whatever other terrible beings could be out there (and I could rationalise to myself that they don’t exist, but that is just avoiding the internal drive behind this all).

Of course, meditation is good, to clear my mind and help me respond differently, but understanding my subconscious motivations is also important, so I can know what to change and how to change them.

Now, now that I’ve determined that the root cause is me, the desire to inflict this suffering on myself, the question is, why am I doing it?

I will end this post here and mull on it, and write my conclusions in my succeeding post.

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