Time for a new post! I am sorry to all my readers who wondered why I suddenly disappeared! I am not dead, so that’s good! Although, I came pretty close to it!
Things have changed. I actually came across this blog purely by coincidence after forgetting about it, and decided to start blogging again.
Where to start? I have had an INSANE year. Let’s start from basics. Me and Dan broke up. *Sigh*. I honestly thought he was the *one*, I felt it so deep in my being, that things turning out differently just makes me feel like a failure.
Things became badly fucked up, I can’t even state that enough. We didn’t fight per se, but the energy between us was so crazy that we couldn’t continue to be together. I tried and tried and tried, held onto the best of my ability, but I had to accept in the end that he wanted to leave me and have some peace from the entire situation.
Since then we talked a little as friends for about a month or so, but then he became silent and that was really the last straw for me. I couldn’t continue to hold on against my sanity, so I finally let him go.
Now, onto the next bit. During our break up I was actually suffering from demon possession. This is why it was all just too much to handle. I literally went clinically insane (more on that in a bit).
I was possessed by the demon Jezebel. She fucked up my life big time. I lost all sense of identity, developed split personality, and now am on medication and having regular doctor and psychotherapy appointments. I totally lost my shit, and almost died, I mean my soul actually left my body and went to hell. I wasn’t at home anymore. I had to be rescued and delivered.
Call it crazy karma or whatever, but I’m starting to stabilize now. The thing is… my religious views, have well, shifted. And it’s hard to explain this.
My mother is a Christian. And she told me the only way to be saved was to accept Jesus into my heart. So I did. And he rescued me from hell and put me back in my body, and evicted the demon. So, I became a Christian.
But the thing is, the demonic attacks didn’t stop, and to be honest, after giving my heart to Jesus I felt even worse, until I begged my doctor to put me on anti-psychotics.
So, right now, I’m a Christian for convenience, and because one of my split personalities is a Christian. It’s confusing having two separate identities.
But my adult self, or higher self or whatever, is still very wise and when I look back on my old posts on spiritualforums.com I cannot believe I had that level of spiritual insight.
I’m no longer that unified being, who knows my place in life and in the universe. I am no longer what I call enlightened or self-realised. I still have split personality disorder and I’m like every mentally ill person.
But I’ve made a lot of progress. I don’t know about Jesus, or the universe, or how they fit together, but I do know that I’m starting to feel better in general (especially as I’ve picked up meditation again).
I hope one day to have that integrated sense of self again, but for now I’m back to learning how to ‘be’, I guess, especially in my confusing condition with having two separate identities.
I don’t know what this blog will look like in future but I want to keep writing my journey. This blog has been the story of my life and it would be a shame to end it here. I will change things around a bit, but I want to still have this blog in ten years time and look back and go “wow, look how far I’ve come”!