Returning to my last post of split personalities, I have come to believe that every person has a multi-aspected personality that most are unaware of. People who have been abused however, like myself, tend to develop minor or even major splits between these aspects and eventually come to realize their existence. I consider an aspect a group of needs, wants, feelings, thoughts, memories, kind of like folders on a hard-drive. Aspects are responsible for holding and accessing particular types of psychological information. When the system works properly it’s considered a whole. It works properly, just like a computer would. When some files have been corrupted though due to a virus, the folders might decide to open and run applications by themselves, thereby upsetting the whole system. When this happens over a long enough period the user might start to consider them as ‘separate’ from the system. This is my understanding of what split personalities are on a basic level. They are aspects that have been corrupted and have developed lives of their own, to either a small or a large extent. This is what had happened in my case.
However, I managed to sort my system out and reintegrate my personalities and be the one in control again, for the most part. So now my ‘split’ personalities are no longer split, but instead they’re aspects with history of being split. This has given me a lot of insight into how my aspects behave though, and how they relate to one another. I thought that this post would be a rough guide into my main aspects. When coming to know my personalities I was heavily influenced by Jungian psychology, something which I am deviating away from lately for a few reasons, but it was rather useful at the time for helping me understand myself. My Jungian influence may show though during my description of my personalities, but I’ll try to stay from it if I can help it.
So first up: is me, my main center of consciousness, the part of me that is always there and can never be repressed, the part of me that is ‘Hayley’ (my given name). This part of me is intellectually curious, always questioning things, always asking ‘why’ and ‘how’, always searching for the hidden, always trying to find the meaning to something. This part of me also functions as a sort of filter to my subconscious. It’s the part of me that can’t be repressed, but instead represses the other parts of me. When I become overly intellectual for extended periods of time it usually means there’s something that’s trying to hide from my awareness.
My inner children: the part of me that is probably the most extensive. There are so many sub-personalities here, but I’ll focus on the four main ones. The first two are Abigail and Bethany. Abigail is happy-go-lucky, bubbly, care-free, innocent child. This part of me was the part that was repressed the most, but it is also the largest part of me and the one I spend most time nurturing. If she gets neglected Bethany appears instead. In her positive manifestation Bethany is sensitive, caring, and creative, and an extension of Abigail which manifests in a more integrated child-personality called Clarice. But in her negative manifestation Bethany is anxious, depressive, codependent, self-hating, and suicidal.
My other two inner children whom are not as central but still important are currently named Matthew and Tobias, which will probably change at some point in the future, due to their somewhat fluctuating nature as I get to know them and integrate them. These two are more subconscious than the other two.They are also both aspects of what I tend to refer to as my ‘broken inner boy’. As far as I can tell so far, my first inner boy has a great capacity for love, as do all my personalities, but he gets overwhelmed easily by the other personalities and as a result tends to break down. In his bid to protect himself he tends to cause trouble, which is where my second inner boy comes in. He can cause a lot of trouble and likes to mess with the other personalities as a way to expose them and release tension that will eventually cause them to calm down again.
My darker personalities: This is also a rather extensive part of me, which I could go on forever explaining, but I’ll stick to the main two: Adriana and Damien. Adriana is a result of Abigail being repressed. At her worst she is full of rage, hate, and is extremely sadistic. Her ‘purpose’, if you like, is to protect Abigail, but in the process can often tend to hurt her even more. Her need to protect usually stems from pressure being put on her from Damien, who hates chaos and needs everything in control. At his worst he is a sociopathic dictator who ruthlessly plans the destruction of the entire world. These two personalities working together make for a terrifying mix, not the least of all because despite that they still tend to fight among each other.
My ‘older’ personalities: These parts of me I consider older, more adult versions of either myself, or of other personalities, and they tend to work as guides and helpers to me at a subconscious level. So far this is a mix of three, although no doubt it may expand in the future as my inner children grow up. Two of them could be said to be ‘parent’ personalities. These two are Gabrielle and Kosmas. Gabrielle is the positive manifestation of Adriana. She is nurturing, caring, and loving, and looks after the needs of my inner children. Kosmas is the positive manifestation of Damian, and is a compassionate helper and an organized leader both in the external world and in my own internal world. The third adult personality, which is the first of my inner children to grow up, is Delilah. She is the grown up version of both Abigail and Bethany and is a bit of a hippy. She loves nature and the outdoors and prefers simplicity over complexity. She can be a bit mystical and spiritual though, but it makes her feel alive, and that’s what she loves. These three personalities along with Abigail are probably the most sociable aspects of myself.
And then to close there are my mother and father complexes, which a lot of my sub-personalities revolve around, or have revolved around previously. As they develop and mature they tend to become identified with these complexes less and less, but they are still influenced by them. Gabrielle more than any over personality these days is heavily-influenced by my mother complex, but for now that’s okay. I consider my mother a good role model, and I can accept that it’ll probably stay like that till I eventually move away from her. My father complex is the one which caused most of the internal trauma in the first place, but he’s pretty much long gone now, except for the few times he makes himself known through Damian. In this manifestation he tends to become rather narcissistic and think himself high and mighty. He causes destruction to make himself feel powerful like God, whilst Damian himself usually just causes destruction for the challenge and to amuse himself.
As is probably obvious all these sub-personalities make for a rather complex system. I’ve explained as much of the dynamics as I can but I probably haven’t explained all of them. The dynamics tend to be fluid and fluctuate and change over time as well, but for now these parts of me seem like the most stable. When they’re not in temporary co-control of my awareness they tend to work in the background, carrying out their specific roles from there, interjecting information when necessary. Learning to notice and listen to them is a job in itself, but a very worthwhile one. When I can understand them I can regulate them, and when I do that they don’t fight, and it makes for a happier inner experience. It’s probably an unconventional way to understand oneself, but it works for me, and very well at that.