I have had the craziest past year. Well, I’ve had the craziest life to be perfectly honest, but I felt compelled to share the experiences I’ve had in the past year. The last few months especially. Not many people will probably understand what I’m about to write, and this includes closest friends and family (if family ever come across this). But I felt like I needed to raise a bit of awareness, not only for them as to how much I’ve changed as a person, but also to give anyone who read this hope that life is not as bleak as it all seems. Miracles can happen, if you want it bad enough. Seek and ye shall find.
I shall start at the beginning. This time last year I was living in the midst of emotional, psychological, mental, spiritual, and even physical abuse. I had been living in it for the last sixteen years, since the day my mother married my step-dad. Ever since that fateful day, the person who I was gradually deteriorated until I felt like there was almost nothing left. I grew up depressed, neurotic, suicidal. I had no idea who I was, all I knew is that this man in my life that I was expected to call ‘daddy’ all of a sudden was someone I did not want to be around at all. I didn’t perfectly understand why until last year, when his abusive nature came to light, finally, after a long and hard subconscious search for the truth.
We managed to get him to move out, but then suddenly I found my world turned upside down. I was lost. After the initial feel good exhilaration that came with the freedom I had always sought for, I spiralled head first back into the darkness. Death became my best friend. Thoughts of suicide gradually turned into thoughts of murder. Over the period of a few months, I had started to become the person I hated the most. I had no other sense of identity. I vehemently rejected my perceived weaknesses and replaced them for what I believed would make me ‘better’. I rejected love, light, happiness, health, and eventually even fun, for hate, darkness, and evil. ‘Fun’ eventually became an obsessiveness with being in control. In control of myself, other people, and life in general. During that state I believe I was perfectly capable of murder. I became my worse enemy, because it was the thing I related to ‘being strong’. If you don’t want to be put down again then be the one to put others down first. It was simple.
By the time my 20th birthday came about, what was left of ‘me’, the genuine, real me, was completely dead and gone. I had chipped away at myself in the name of self protection, until there was nothing left but a shell clinging on desperately for meaning. Leading up to this time and also for a few months before my step-dad moved out, I was somewhat romantically involved with someone online, a soulmate, who towards the end opened the doors towards a glimpse of my real self, of true divine love. I didn’t know what was happening at the time though, and things spiralled down from there as I engaged in a battle with myself through said soulmate. We cut contact and I swore never to love again from that moment on. I only got worse from there, until my birthday came and went, and I met someone new online.
Suddenly everything I new to be true was turned upside down once again. My fortresses of hate were barraged through with that same divine love I had experienced that one time before. And I was powerless to stop it. Wave after wave after wave of divine love, channelled through this one person. It was incredible, and definitely not human. During this time I accidentally came across the term ‘twin flames’, and since then I have adopted that term for it, as there was nothing else that could really describe it, despite my slight disagreements with the theory itself. Twin flames are basically considered two halves of one soul, and when they reunite they act as a catalyst towards spiritual growth. As lovely as this all sounds, it really, really wasn’t. It was absolutely terrifying. I found out I could actually love! Who knew that?! I had a taste of God.
Even more terrifying, however, was when the high faded. Human ego consciousness returned. Problems arose. And I was dragged head first back into the deepest pits of my own personal hell at the speed of light, also completely against my own will. Initially my consciousness had been temporarily expanded, but it basically only served to give me strength to face and release all the years of trauma that were trapped within me. And I held on through the skin of my teeth. I have to say at this point it was actually a whole lot worse than the actual abuse I went through previously. I was tested to my utmost limits. It wasn’t pretty. It affected every part of me, even my physical body. Eventually, after hitting absolute rock bottom, after meeting my demons head on for the first time ever, after staring into my deepest, darkest fears, after an entire week of crying and throwing up due to emotions alone(!) I decided that I didn’t want to be the person I used to be ever again. I wanted to love myself. I was tired of living a lie, a lie I didn’t even know I’d been living. You could almost consider this a New Years resolution that I came up with during the Christmas period. Lovely time for having such a traumatic experience.
I decided to take some time out at the beginning of the new year, and I tried my hand at meditating. I felt drawn to the spiritual again, after a year of trying to block it out of awareness completely. Within a week of starting I had two awakening experiences and had to stop for fear of psychosis. The first experience was my full spiritual awakening. It came completely at random. I hadn’t planned for it and I knew nothing about such experiences at the time. I just wanted to practice a bit of mindfulness. I put on some random meditation music I found on YouTube and then I accidentally met God, I kid not. This is something that I can’t really explain properly. All I can say, is that for roughly about half an hour, I not only felt love, but I became identified with love. I WAS love. And love was everything. And everything was God. And it was as if I was looking down on myself, as myself, but as God, and I saw my step-dad in me, and all his darkness, and all my darkness, and then I just loved it, and I loved him, and I loved myself, and I felt myself loved, by myself. And I forgave him, and I forgave myself, and that day I let go of everything. I became a different person.
It changed me so profoundly, that ‘I’ am not me any more. I am nothing. And yet I am everything. All the time I was searching for identity, I was merely closing myself off more. The only way to truly find identity is to let go. Identify with nothing. Just be. Let energy flow through me rather than close it off. Let myself feel.. For the first time I found I wanted to feel. For the first time I felt truly alive. For the first time I loved myself naturally, without effort. Hate for myself and hate for others all but completely disappeared. And for the first time ever I felt like I was more on the side of light than on the side of dark. Except for the fact that light and dark are completely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. What I felt was transparent. What I felt was complete, within myself. And I found that I could be content even through pain, because the source of suffering had been transmuted into Light, and continues to be so.
Over the coming weeks I noticed that my alcohol addiction had completely disappeared. There was no explanation for it. When I did drink, a hazy, numb, heaviness settled over me. The clarity I seemed to have permanently gained disappeared and it made me feel a sort of groggy, grossness. There was suddenly no longer anything pleasant about drinking. I noticed more and more that I would feel like this when eating certain unhealthy foods, and when I dropped back into depressive episodes, and even when listening to certain rock and heavy metal music that I used to love. I honestly don’t know how I lived like that for so long. It was so incredibly unhealthy, and yet I could never feel it. I just drank myself further and further away into oblivion. Killed myself over and over again. Willingly let myself be chained to a drill that had no other purpose but to dig oneself further and further underground.
The second experience I had whilst meditating that week was a full kundalini awakening. I also didn’t know anything about it until after it happened. This is the one that has made me cautious of meditating again for fear of psychosis. In comparison to others my awakening was fairly simple, probably because I had already released so many energetic blockages previously. But simple didn’t make it any less terrifying. After ten minutes of feeling like I was floating, I felt an energy at the base of my spine. Or to put it more simply – I felt turned on, and for some reason I felt prompted to concentrate on that feeling, until it exploded and shot up my spine all the way up to my head, leaving me nothing but a writhing mess for roughly about a minute.
I don’t know what being electrocuted feels like, but I could definitely compare it to that. It was absolutely terrifying. And yet simultaneously it felt absolutely amazing. Meditating again a few times after that brought up wave after wave of more controllable energy, but I still couldn’t control it enough. Eventually waves of energy started shooting through me whilst I wasn’t even meditating, and I had to stop completely after reading the warnings online. It’s another process of refining the emotional, mental, and spiritual bodies, and if done too much at one time can cause a breakdown, and even death. So now I only meditate far and few between.
By this point the online relationship I was having that instigated all these changes in me had changed so much due to my complete shift in awareness that I felt like being together would no longer serve either of us beneficially any more. It was time to move on. Not only that, but the intensity of it all still hadn’t let up, and I felt like the whole thing overall was so traumatic that I just needed to get away and have time to stabilise. I know now that my spiritual progress will be a lot slower than it was before, but at this point in time that’s the best thing for me. I need to go it alone, and work through my remaining issues, before becoming self-actualized and doing what I was put here on this earth to do. Besides growing through love that is 🙂
I don’t know whether I will ever talk to supposed twin flame again. I don’t plan to. But they do say that they do eventually reunite, whether in this life or the next [since I wrote this post we have reunited and become friends]. All I know is that for someone to cause a change as great in me as this, they truly have to be important at a soul level, and if we ever do reunite, then it will be when the time’s right. And to anyone who saw this entire drama unfold from the outside, as abusive as it always seemed, abusive it never was. It was just me meeting my real, true self, and learning to love and accept it. And it has truly and completely changed me for the better.
And now, I shall live the rest of my life being the best me there ever was and ever will be. I shall love and laugh and cry and rage, and ultimately, be alive! Life has never felt so bright.
I’m no longer that depressed homicidal person in love with darkness, pain, and death. I’m transformed. Somehow. It’s truly a miracle. If there is a God out there then he is looking after me, I can say that for the first time in my life with conviction.