Thou Shall Not Covet

My Public Journal

I don’t know what I want. I genuinely don’t know. I also don’t really care, but I’m almost 19 years old and according to the external world I should know what I want already. I don’t really care about what the external world thinks either, except the fact that I can’t stay living with my parents my whole life not doing anything. They wouldn’t allow it.

Pretty much 100% of people my age know what they want to do with their life, and if they don’t, then they make do with a more mundane job. I have a problem not only with the former but also with the latter. I’m an incredibly restless person. I’ll start a project and get bored a couple of months later, and that means I’m terrible at holding down any type of typical job. In fact, because I know that about myself it prevents me from seeking out jobs in the first place, knowing that failure is inevitable.

The problem isn’t that I don’t like anything. I love everything, but it’s not very long before my interest in one topic dwindles and I become bored. This may sound very vain, but truth be told it’s the exact opposite. It’s extremely frustrating, almost like a curse. Then I’ll get overwhelmed thinking I’ll never find something I truly love and then I’ll become even worse, purposely trying everything possible not to find anything by convincing myself that I’m doing a good deed for the common wealth by opposing the system. The system is ridden with flaws after all, such as the illusion that who you are is determined by your worldly success. In the end it becomes so much that all I want to do is run away and wander for the rest of eternity, just to avoid the question, to avoid the system, to avoid myself.

There’s also another factor to be considered here. My biological dad is an incredibly successful person, and he loves what he does with every last breath. He’s into politics and is currently running for senator. He’s been Senator once or twice before, and the way things are currently looking he’ll be senator once again, along with his party and his bestfriend making it into office and becoming the President (of Mexico. I’m half-Mexican). Now don’t get me wrong, I feel incredibly happy for him, but it makes me feel depressed.

Everyone has such high hopes for me, and although I don’t care about what everyone else thinks, I do care about what I think. I look at my dad and all I see staring back at me is the void of everything I am. I don’t care about impressing him, but I just feel so worthless when I see him. Now I’m usually a pretty vain person so that feeling is more than unnerving. I feel like I’ve failed myself. In this instance, my rebellious nature becomes my worse enemy.

I feel like I’m gonna do nothing with my life, that I’ll be no one, that I’ll be all alone, and the worse being that I’ll never find something I truly want and love. My dad unsuspectingly makes those thoughts ten times as worse.

The thing is, I could be ok and just lie to myself if left to my own devices, but out there in the real world life is a completely different ball game. The minute I step foot in that mess of wibbly wobbly stuff I’ll end up being the inadequate one. It just all makes me want to do something stupid like become an exotic dancer or something just to hide from myself. I don’t remember if I’ve written this before, but contrary to what people may or may not believe about me, people who think they know me, I am my worse enemy. I just hope I figure it all out before it’s too late.

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